By all accounts, this has been a difficult week. This culminated last night when I was really beginning to feel sorry for myself. I could feel some force drawing me to a big block of Galaxy and a glass (or two) of cold, crisp Pinot.
I'd become a 'mood hoover' as my fellow Manc friend, who also lives in Suffolk, would say. This in turn meant me sniping at all those who dared get in my way. This then meant that the kids also became fractious. Finally, this then meant utter chaos at bath time and bed time and I came to the conclusion is letting trivial things that I deem difficult in my life really worth it?
This week I managed to watch Lorraine's Real Life Story Interview on ITV player. If I loved her before, I absolutely adore her now. She is, as I had assumed, a thoroughly decent person.
Two things from the interview really stand out for me: Dunblane and her feelings towards her miscarriage.
When Lorraine described how, after becoming good friends with one of the victim's parents, she was paying her respects in the little girl's room. One of the girl's parents drew her attention to a set of wee handprints on the window. This is where the little angel had seen something outside and run to the window excitedly and stamped her handprints on the glass as she was discovering something outside.
Normally, after James has been crawling around and discovering the world and his handprints are everywhere as if to say "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt", I want to get the Mr Muscle glass cleaner out to make sure that my French Windows sparkle like those on TV adverts. Now I am loathed to quickly rub out his innocent journey of discovery and the excitement which that brings.
Even more pertinent to my own personal experience was Lorraine's succinct yet candid account of how she felt following an early miscarriage.
Like Lorraine I too found the grief insurmountable at times. I also remember it being a very lonely experience as people aren't as tolerant to mother's who lose a child that can't be seen, heard or felt by others. Losing the babies at scan and then having to have an invasive operation both times was one of the worst times of my life; however, the physical pain does eventually go.
What remains is a void. Lorraine is right, you are grieving for the life that never was. As soon as you become pregnant you become a mum and instinctively you start to plan and think about the new life ahead of you.
Also, like Lorraine, I often think of my babies that weren't meant to be. Lorraine said that the child she lost would be 15 now.
For Rob and I, our first child would have been 7 in June this year; we were convinced it was a girl and that we were going to call her Poppy. Our second child would have been 4 in October. I pray to them both every night to be the Guardian Angels of Bethan and James. Even though my life is the busiest it's ever been, I will never forget them. It's such a shame that miscarriages are a taboo subject.
Today I am going to Clarks to get the children measured for shoes and I am dreading it. No, I WAS dreading it. In the midst of the screams and tantrums, I am determined to stop being a mood hoover and enjoy it.
